(Annoying) Realization

Like many people, I think most clearly in the shower. This morning, after another night of waking up at 3am stressing out over the dissertation, I had my worst realization in quite awhile:

I am stressed over finishing my dissertation for the wrong reason.

I am not concerned about finishing in time for a job -- I'm pretty confident in defending this puppy before Fall '07.

I am concerned that I won't defend in time to walk this Spring, and that is only concerning me because of pressure from my parents. Okay, from my mother, mostly. I'm 35 years old, and I'm stressing out because of this??? Seriously, she called from Australia the other night - they're on vacation - and one of her first questions was "are you writing yet?"

Dear gosh.

I've told her not to ask that question, but she refuses to give it up. Now that I don't smoke (600 days, as of yesterday!) she has nothing to harp on except the dissertation (and the beer drinking). My responses are always terse and followed by "please stop asking that," but it makes no difference. There's going to have to be a confrontation about this, soon.

Because I've taken most of this semester off, I feel immense guilt that I'm not getting more done. Logically, I know that it was time for some time off, anyway, and I saved the damn money to be able to (almost) afford it. I was really worn down last semester, especially after the whole Wicca mess.

Should I have to justify this semester off? Again, logically, no. But I feel like I've traded one kind of stress (teaching) for another (expectation of writing) and they both suck, equally.