The Thornbush

In the meantime...

2006-11-25T19:50:00.000-05:00

Wiccachicky (and others) -- you can still reach me at: tazjia at gmail dot com.

Please do, and I will pass along the scoop.

On vacation

2006-11-20T22:14:00.000-05:00

Taz's blog will return in some form, at some time.

Make it stop.

2006-11-10T12:40:00.000-05:00

I picked up the Funny Farm game from Wiccachicky, and I'm going crazy. I'm so stuck.

Anyone have a hint for me?

No, I'm not lazy...

2006-11-07T12:06:00.000-05:00

I haven't responded to that editor yet, because I have no idea what to say.

I think it needs to be more than "yes, I'm interested in publishing this."

The email said she wants to know more about my work -- does that mean I just send the abstract? Do I send a one/two sentence summary and offer to send the abstract? Or do I just (gosh forbid) have to casually talk about what my ideas are?

Help!

Am thinking about emailing our grad. chair for advice. He's supposed to help us with this stuff, right?

Update: I emailed grad. chair, and he was very helpful. He suggested that I send the abstract and a brief chapter outline, which I've now done. (He also said not to promise anything to anyone, because other presses might also be interested.)

Odd, that.

2006-11-06T06:30:00.000-05:00

Today is the two-week mark of my "no beer, more exercise" plan.

Now, the plan does allow for the occasional slip (of course) and Sunday I pretty much tripped and fell over the plan. Had three beers during the afternoon, followed by two glasses of wine after dinner. It was also a scheduled day off exercise (I'm supposed to do cardio 6 days a week and strength training 3 days, with one day completely off anything).

Although I haven't seen any change weight-wise, I've certainly been feeling better overall. I've been sleeping really well, and I've had a lot more energy during the day.

So what happens? Ah, I drink some and don't exercise.... and wake up at 4am, unable to get back to sleep. This is indeed familiar territory, but I liked not being in it. Am hoping for a better day today, and a better night tonight.

random bullets of shit-I-don't-want-to-address-in-depth-at-this-time.

2006-11-04T14:23:00.000-05:00

I react poorly to things that other people consider "good." My father claims I have a fear of failure, but what I actually react poorly to is any type of success. I will, therefore, usually undermine my own attempts to accomplish things. Isn't that a fun personality quirk?
I'm pretty convinced that my husband is seeing someone else. I am somewhere between trying to have no reaction to this and actually having no reaction to this.
However, regarding point #2, see point #1.
My OCD tendencies are kicking in with the exercise program. I knew from the get-go that it might be an issue for me to track 'calories in' vs. 'calories used'... so now I need to make sure it stays in check.

Lazy Saturday Morning Meme

2006-11-04T10:30:00.000-05:00

(The usual "bold the ones you've done.")

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea – from the shore
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game (and survived the crush afterwards)
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse (Okay, I think it was full... it was around 1980 in Oregon.)
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states (damn Alaska...)
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk.
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe.
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach (One word: Pacifica.)
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them (the reverse has happened, but I've never been the one to sit. In fact, it just happened in Amsterdam.)
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow (just a goat)
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero (Amusingly enough, in grade school we played "The Greatest American Hero." Does that count?
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River (Okay, I practiced with my crew team on the Snake, and since that's harder I'm counting it.)
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently well enough to have a decent conversation
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

(Seen at Buzz's)

Huh.

2006-10-31T13:12:00.000-05:00

So I just had an email from a relatively good press, asking if I was intending to publish my dissertation, and if so could I please contact them?

Apparently they spoke with my good advisor last week, and she talked me up.

This probably happens regularly to a lot of people, but for me it's really, really bizarre. I don't know exactly how I'm supposed to respond.

Gosh, who knew?

2006-10-31T10:58:00.000-05:00

Congratulations! You're a Neopagan. Well, maybe you're not precisely a pagan, but you have a deep love for primitive nature, and a strong sense of the spiritual. You feel the beauty of the wild around you and feel choked in the city.

The hippie world needs you, because you bring together the beauty of the wild and the magic of the heart.

If you believe that opposites attract, you probably find yourself around Ravers. If you are more inclined to enjoy the company of those with similar attitudes, then other Neopagans, as well as the Faerie-child, Treehugger, and Full-blown Hippie are for you.

(Seen at WiccaChicky's)

Edited because the formatting was so squidgy on my page

No scale, but...

2006-10-31T10:32:00.000-05:00

... a week into my exercise program, I can tell it's working already. Between cutting out the beer, watching food - not much change there, but a bit - and cardio, my pants are no longer uncomfortably tight. They're still tight, but wearably tight.

This isn't a huge surprise, I guess. I probably needed to either cut out beer or exercise more, but doing both at the same time a quick way to lose some fat.

One of my big goals is to have the interview suit(s) comfortably loose. Not hanging off me, just roomy.

Now, I shall toddle back off to my exercise bike and listen to another half-hour of Speaker for the Dead on my iPod.

Coffee and Spark

2006-10-29T14:43:00.000-05:00

In addition to tea, I've been drinking more coffee than usual. I used to be a hard-core coffee drinker, but first I cut back because of the effects on anxiety, and then cut back more because there's a weird tie between caffeine tolerance and quitting smoking. (Basically, smokers have a higher caffeine tolerance. Go figure.)

Now, I drink half-caf. I can't add much more caffeine to the diet, because it'll freak out my body... so I bought some ground decaf the other day at the store so I'd have more drink options at home.

Dear gosh, how do people drink this crap? Not the decaf - I have a handle on that, obviously - but the store-brand ground coffee... it's just nasty as all hell. Since I can't afford to mail-order any Peet's right now, I guess I'll be making a trip to Starbucks in the near future.

It makes me wonder: when people say they don't like coffee, is it because they've only tried really crappy coffee? And is this also why people add things like vanilla to their coffee?

I've also been using SparkPeople to track my food and exercise. I'm finding it fairly useful (and it's free, unlike WW). I can't bring myself to use the message boards, however. As usual, it's probably better to have some kind of community support, but I'm really not hip on the communitas of weight loss these days.

Amazon and Ravenswood have failed me.

2006-10-27T16:55:00.000-04:00

At first I was going to blame the post office, but for long and involved reasons I won't bother going into, Amazon gets the blame. I don't have the book we're covering in seminar next week. I ordered it (expedited, even!) on the 18th, and after many long phone calls today I still don't have it.
Finally, I broke down and realized I could call the student bookstore on the off-chance they hadn't sent all the texts back yet.

(Oh: note that I forgot to order desk copies, which is why this is happening.)

They had it! Or, they had one left. Very Nice Guy found a copy and has put it aside with my name on it.

Okay: red wine tip #2... any Cline Zinfandel. I can get their normal Zin for $8 (not bad). It's reliable in the same way that Ravenswood VB Zin used to be (but no longer is, the sell-outs*). If you can find Cline's Ancient Vines Zin, grab it. Sooooo good.

*I'm bitter about Ravenswood, I am. We used to visit constantly, and I was a huge fan of their reds. They were bought around 2001, and everything since then has gone downhill. Earlier this month, I was in Sonoma and thought "hey, it's been awhile... let's go there." To my shock and horror, they were charging $8 for five tastings.

People, this is Sonoma, not Napa. Stop charging.

Really, the good wineries there only charge for the seriously high-end stuff. I'll willingly pay $2 when I taste at Kenwood, because I then get a (decent-sized) taste of stuff like the Artist Series. Plus, Kenwood only charges a) occasionally and b) when you don't buy anything, and I go wine-tasting with buying in mind.

Anyway... $8? For five small tastes of crap wine? No thanks. Ravenswood is permanently off my list of wineries.

2006-10-27T10:46:00.000-04:00

This is one of those times I wish I could be more specific about things.

I'm looking at a job advertisement, and trying to decide if I should apply. It's calling for something slightly outside my "real" area, but it seems to be a sister school to one I teach at, here. This means that I know exactly what they're looking for and how little of the actual teaching would be in that area.

Meaning, if I were to get the job, I would probably have one course a year that was in this "iffy" area. If I had time to prepare for "iffy" course, it would be relatively easy for me... I've just never taught it before (although I've taught higher-level, more specialized courses in the same area). I don't exactly want to sell myself as a scholar in "iffy" area, but can I teach in it? Sure.

Add to this, the secondary speciality they want is my area.

I guess I apply, discuss both areas equally, and let them decide.

This is me being positive.

2006-10-26T19:35:00.000-04:00

With the four applications off being packaged, I feel much better. I really should finish another tomorrow, but it's lower pressure (and I haven't really figured out if I should apply for it).

Am having a small glass of red wine. Note: Yellow Tail makes a very good Shiraz and an also-decent Shiraz-Grenache. They are about $6 a bottle. Here on the right coast, it can be tricky to find a drinkable red under $12... these are probably the worst-kept red wine secrets, I know. Sometime I'll share my real wine secrets, and you'll all love me.

Had a conversation with the department secretary today that has perked me up, dissertation-wise. I thought I would have to defend by late March in order to walk in ceremonies, but according to our (very in-the-know) secretary I can push it to early May with some well-placed letter writing.

That, my friends, is a relief.

Off to finish cooking dinner -- tonight it's late, because Sasha teaches until 7:30. Steamed cauliflower, fresh green beans, and salmon with honey mustard sauce. Mmmmmm.....

It's not that hard, right?

2006-10-26T12:34:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to push through and get four more job applications out today. Three of the four cover letters are in final revision stage, one is not even started.

Am thinking about finishing the three (which can then go out standard mail) and leaving number four until tomorrow (in which case it might have to be expedited, but should still get there in plenty of time).

It's amazing that a page-long letter can be so horrible to write.

I'm going to shower, have some more coffee, and re-read the three almost-dones.

Update: The three almost-dones are done, or at least they're going out as-is. I really should finish the fourth one now, because it's so easy... but I sort of need to get these three in for copying and packaging.

Hell, in all likelihood they won't be ready to mail tomorrow, and I'll have to FedEx all of them.

Curse the application process, I say.

Hopefully Final Update:
All four are done. Am off to hunt down a set of evaluations and turn these all in.

Tea (and me).

2006-10-25T18:37:00.000-04:00

It is 6:30pm. Normally, I would be drinking a beer and pondering what to make for dinner. Right now, I'm sitting with a cup of tea (and still pondering dinner, although it's partially made).

Yes, I've given up beer.

Now, before the world stops spinning, I will add that this is not a permanent thing -- I may, in fact, drink beer at one of the Halloween parties this Friday. But after a rather horrible Monday morning, beer drinking has moved far, far down on my list of "things to do."

Hangover? Nope. My last hangover was after last Halloween, I think.

Monday morning I was heading out to a department meeting. Since I've not been teaching much this semester - and since my class is pretty laid-back - I haven't been going for the "dressy" look. Monday morning, I realized that none of my business-y clothes (including the new suit I bought not long ago) fit me.

There were tears. There was much general cursing. There was also a frantic search to find something to wear, as I couldn't just skip the meeting.

Me talking this much about weight - as much as I've been for the last year, I mean, not just this post - is so not me. I mean, I guess it's the post-smoker me, or the post-Zoloft me, or something, but it's not something I like or want to continue. I don't own a scale and don't want to buy one. I do own a tape measure, but I don't really know what those numbers mean, for my body.

I do know enough to know that going from a 36B to a 40C involves either a lot of fat or some saline. I also know, now, why my new bras aren't entirely comfy (that whole "40" bit is something I just found out tonight, although I figured out the C part without much difficulty).

(Annoying) Realization

2006-10-22T13:27:00.000-04:00

Like many people, I think most clearly in the shower. This morning, after another night of waking up at 3am stressing out over the dissertation, I had my worst realization in quite awhile:

I am stressed over finishing my dissertation for the wrong reason.

I am not concerned about finishing in time for a job -- I'm pretty confident in defending this puppy before Fall '07.

I am concerned that I won't defend in time to walk this Spring, and that is only concerning me because of pressure from my parents. Okay, from my mother, mostly. I'm 35 years old, and I'm stressing out because of this??? Seriously, she called from Australia the other night - they're on vacation - and one of her first questions was "are you writing yet?"

Dear gosh.

I've told her not to ask that question, but she refuses to give it up. Now that I don't smoke (600 days, as of yesterday!) she has nothing to harp on except the dissertation (and the beer drinking). My responses are always terse and followed by "please stop asking that," but it makes no difference. There's going to have to be a confrontation about this, soon.

Because I've taken most of this semester off, I feel immense guilt that I'm not getting more done. Logically, I know that it was time for some time off, anyway, and I saved the damn money to be able to (almost) afford it. I was really worn down last semester, especially after the whole Wicca mess.

Should I have to justify this semester off? Again, logically, no. But I feel like I've traded one kind of stress (teaching) for another (expectation of writing) and they both suck, equally.

One (supposedly) down

2006-10-19T13:18:00.000-04:00

My application for Almost Dream Job just left my hands. I'm a crazy fit for this one, and I like the school. I had to sit on the application until the last minute, though, hoping my updated letters of rec. would come through... no joy, there.

Still, I have some hope. The combination of fields they're asking for is a little strange, yet there's an overlap between them that very few people would understand (unless they've studied all the things in question). I'm pretty sure that an interview would involve that question - "how would you relate these things to each other" - and I could give a kick ass answer.

Now I'm working on application #3 (#2 is literally sitting here, again waiting for the updated letters) and feeling better about the cover letter issue. I've spent a decent amount of time customizing the first two cover letters, and I'm getting the hang of it. I've given up on circuitous language entirely, and am essentially writing “you asked for such-and-such, and here’s how I do that.”

Okay, the language is prettier than that, but is still a lot more direct than we were told to write letters. It’s not that I’m only going for jobs with perfect descriptions for me… that would be silly. If I’ve learned anything over three years of job-hunting, it’s that schools often hire someone who fulfills part of the initial job description but who also brings something else the school needs to the table.

Since I will rarely be the full job description, I will need to be the "something else."

On a stranger note, this morning Sasha saw the neighbor cat stalk and successfully kill a squirrel. The squirrels around here are large, and quite vicious. (I have an issue with squirrels. When I was very young, my parents played tennis at a park. I would sit on the bleachers waiting for them to finish, and there were a lot of very inquisitive squirrels in the area. I feared them.)

(I am also quite afraid of turkeys, but that's a story for another day.)

2006-10-17T11:51:00.000-04:00

I know things aren't really conspiring to piss me off, but it sure seems like it.

I've been trying to do job applications, and yesterday I ran across a weird phrase in one that's due relatively soon: "evidence of scholarly work." After some searching, I realized it's a phrase commonly used in tenure evaluations, but I've never seen it in a job application for my field.

So, I did that. Or I did something for it, following a bunch of jumped-together guidelines from different sources.

Now, the online version of my course evaluations have disappeared entirely. We used to be able to access them and print out summaries at will -- very useful for job applications. Gone. They're totally gone. I didn't print out anything for last semester, so I'm staring at four packets of originals wondering how on earth to condense them down.

Finally, the career services office at our school (yes, I'm treating the whole office as a living being) is refusing to recognize my existence. I have to get two applications out this week, and I feel like it's just not going to happen.

Have been walking around the house cussing up a storm, this morning.

On the half-full side:

My paper was accepted for Cool Smaller Conference next spring. My acceptance letter from the section head started with "how cool!" before getting all formal.
My primary advisor emailed me back with comments this morning on chapters 1 & 2. The comments weren't rave reviews, but they were along the lines of "I don't do this kind of work and so I can't comment much, but everything you've written is solid and makes sense to me, so I will leave any serious revisions up to Other Advisor."

"...steady, but relaxing, work."

2006-10-13T12:35:00.000-04:00

I was listening to a book on my plane flight back, and one of the characters - a researcher - used this phrase. For some reason, it really caught my attention... I rarely think about my research in that way anymore, although I know I used to.

Bit of backstory: my family moved right before my senior year of high school. I went from having a fairly decent social life to having nothing social to do, at all. In that odd last year of high school, I spent a lot of time on school itself (which, really, I'd never done before). I did one really kick-ass research project on a Carolyn Forche poem, which made me think I'd really like to be in a job where research was primary.

So here I am. I have most of the semester off, and the whole thing is just scaring the shit out of me.

I'm starting to think that I need to find a way to make the rest of this semester about "steady, but relaxing," and go from there.

2006-10-09T12:22:00.000-04:00

Damn the sniffling woman on the plane.

My head is progressing to filled-with-cotton stage, and my sinuses are very unhappy. Have been snorting salt water and taking Airborne, but am unsure if either will help.

Boo.

Woe to the shopping gods...

2006-10-08T15:19:00.000-04:00

For the last two days I've tried to shop -- there are good sales here, and a selection of clothes that I rarely see in my current hometown.

I was trying to find a new pair of pants, thinking that if they were on sale I wouldn't mind the fact that they were size 12... well, I still do mind. (Note: after much trying-on of various items, I've come to the conclusion that my hips are freakish. I still wear a size 8 in skirts and dresses, but pants? No way.)

In the end, I decided it would be much, much cheaper to lose weight than it would be to buy all new pants. Five pounds, people, and I'd fit into all last year's pants with no problem. They're still wearable now, just a little tighter than I'd like.

I am officially putting myself on notice.

This is good.

2006-10-06T02:43:00.000-04:00

Slightly bored tonight, I decided to check out satellite google maps. The neighborhood I grew up in - in a very small town in Washington State - has grown almost beyond recognition. On the sat map, though, I could retrace my walk to both grade school and junior high, perfectly.

I had a friend who lived in a trailer, off away from the other neighborhoods. To get there, you had to go past large pasture areas (now apartment complexes) and down into the woods (now housing tracts). One day, four of us hiked further back into the woods... you did this, at 12, where I grew up, for fun.

Kim (who lived back there) took us to a spot she knew. Though the rest of the day is fuzzy, this place still sticks in my head.

In the middle of the woods, there was a partial clearing. You had to hike down into it -- it was like a bowl of trees, in the middle of the forest. On three sides, there were waterfalls, and in the middle was a rocky clearing, almost like a beach. The falls couldn't have been more than 40 feet high, but I had never seen anything like it.

We ever didn't go back -- I think we all got in trouble for being out really late, and I know it was quite a hike. But this place has haunted me in some ways... when I was first tried guided meditation, and was told to choose a spot I felt completely safe in, I immediately pictured that place.

The cool thing is, according to the sat maps, all that forest is still there. Nearly everything else in the area has been cleared for housing, but back behind the trailer park there are still acres and acres of forest. Whatever and wherever my safe space was, it's still there. I like that.

What am I doing?

2006-10-05T15:00:00.000-04:00

Seriously, what am I doing?

I just finished a basic cover letter* for applications this year. It's not much different from last year's cover letter, except for the dates. This is depressing.

Even though I'm on Other Coast at my parents' house, this is not a vacation. This is a week of generally keeping my dad company while my mother is away, and making sure there's someone here in case he has another heart attack. I have my on-last-legs-but-still-usable laptop, and I brought a ton of books with me. I should be finishing chapter two. In fact, I re-read the book that I need to address head-on in chapter two, while stuck in Travel Day yesterday. (Go me!! I never seem to be able to concentrate while in airports or planes, but I got through the whole damn book without skimming anything.)

Yet, away from my office, working is even harder.

Note: this is not a dissertation finishing rant.

What I realized, when re-writing the cover letter, is that I haven't done fuck all this last year. I mean, sure, I was working full time. I had my first actual contract position, which is great and all, except that it didn't get me anywhere.

For Spring 2007, I have four classes lined up at three different colleges, and I'm looking for a fifth class. Two courses are at Small Private College, one at Larger State School, and one at a community college. I've taught all these places before -- I only left LSS when I got the contract at SPC, and I'm looking forward to teaching there again. In fact, one group of students at LSS actually kept me sane when I was having serious issues with a class (well, specifically one student who was ruining a whole class) at SPC. I loved them. They loved me. LSS and I are a match made in heaven, in many ways.

But the fact remains, I'm soon back to adjuncting my ass off, and the likelihood of that changing anytime soon is slim to less-than-none. I probably won't get interviews, as I'm not done with the dissertation. I feel like I'm writing these cover letters wrong, despite much research on how to write them and tons of feedback from other professors.

Is it inappropriate to ask a recently-employed friend for a copy of the cover letter that got her the job? Because she was only a little further along than I am now when her letters went out last year... and she landed a ton of interviews and a tenure-track position.

* I would love to hand-craft specific cover letters from scratch for each and every job, but there's no time for that. I tried that one year, and got nothing from it. This year, it's back to having one letter that describes my basic work, and tweaking it as needed to fit specific jobs.

Travel Day

2006-10-05T12:49:00.000-04:00

It's amazing that there were no delays on the honeymoon. Sasha claims he cancels out my bad delay luck, but I don't believe him -- after all, he was part of the San Antonio weather fiasco (which is a whole long story, summarized by saying "major flight delays.")

Yesterday was a typical travel day for me. Apparently I'm so accustomed to my delay-luck that it no longer bothers me very much; I was cool as a cucumber until a certain point.

The 8am flight out of Home City was delayed by about 35 minutes. I knew that my Chicago flight was a close connection, so I called after boarding (while sitting at the gate) and tried to cover my bases. United did put me on the next flight out of Chicago "just in case," but only after a typical United conversation.

Me: Hi, my reservation number is 234w87985, and I'm calling because my current flight is delayed and I have a connection out of Chicago that I probably won't make.

Agent: Well, I have your schedule up here, and your current flight shows as "on time."

Me: Ya. It's 8:30, my flight was due to take off at 8, and we're sitting at the gate still.

Agent: I'm sorry, but I'm showing your flight as on time, so I can't do anything.

Me: Does it say my flight has taken off?

Agent: No, but it will depart on time.

Me: Okay, look at the clock.

This went on for a good five minutes - much to the amusement, I'm sure, of other passengers - before I convinced her that my flight was, in fact, delayed. She booked me on the next flight, but said she couldn't upgrade me and that I'd have to do that at the airport. (Note: this is BS. They can always put things through on the phone. I simply didn't have time to argue, as my flight was finally leaving.)

I got into Chicago, and my originally booked flight was still boarding. However, I was at the end of "C" concourse, and my flight out was at the other end of "B" concourse. If you know O'Hare, you know that means a run down through psycho light show tunnel and back up to the other side of the airport.

I got there as the plane pulled away, precisely on time. I believe that was the last flight to leave Chicago on time, yesterday.

Still, I had the seat reserved on the next flight, so I wasn't too concerned. When I checked with an agent, she said first class was now full - it hadn't been, when I called from Home City - but that I was first on the waiting list and would probably get bumped up. I had a little under two hours to kill, so I got a sandwich and some coffee and settled down to read.

Two gate changes later (C-something to B-something to C-something else), the flight finally registered as "delayed." Since it's well after noon, I head to the bar and find a stool. (I should note, here: finding a stool in that bar constituted my only real luck of the day.) I had a beer, called to check departure time... delayed again. Another beer, another call, another delay. Third beer, third call... and supposedly, the plane is leaving at the newly rescheduled time.

At the gate, the plane is delayed another hour or so.

I checked on my seat assignment, and was told I hadn't been waitlisted for first class (although I had the little electronic reciept in my hand with "waitlisted" across the top). Still, at this point I'm too happy that I'm on the flight to be terribly concerned -- lots of people are stuck there, trying to get on.

As I board (finally), I realize that not only did I not get the upgrade, but that they've put me in the middle seat. I - along with everyone else in the world - hate the middle seat. Then, when I get to the seat, I see that the person in the window seat is quite... large. Large enough that she has put the armrest between our seats up, because she can't sit there with it down.

Now, you all can bitch as much as you want at me, but I wasn't happy.

I realize that it sucks for her to have seats that don't accomodate larger people, I really do. Airlines are generally idiotic about what constitutes a "normal body size," and I can't imagine how uncomfortable someone her size must be when flying. That doesn't mean I was going to be pleased to spend a five hour flight only using 3/4 of my own seat. And quite honestly, I don't enjoy being touched unless it's by someone I know and like... maybe it's the OCD, but I freak out a little. Add to this that she was obviously ill, sniffing and sneezing the whole time, and I'm lucky I didn't go straight into panic mode.

To summarize: I was supposed to get here at noon. I got here at 7pm.

2006-10-03T23:17:00.000-04:00

Other Coast trip starts tomorrow, far too early. I will probably get up at 5am.

On the plus side, my mother - feeling guilty for asking me to fly out, I assume - used some miles to upgrade me on the flight. Usually I try to alleviate her guilty feelings... I mean, I did alleviate them eventually, but I did also take the upgrade.

'Cause apparently I'm evil like that.

I have new music downloaded into my iPod, along with several audiobooks and the first season of 24 (which I never did see). I also have a feeling that first class has places to plug the computer in, which means I can continue my Battlestar Galactica marathon before the new season begins.

Flying requires a lot of distractions.

Update: it's 6:10am. Have been up for about an hour, trying to finish packing and keep calm. I constantly berate myself for how nervous I get about flying, these days; I keep thinking I should be able to just be excited, instead of freaked out.

How rough is rough?

2006-10-03T10:00:00.000-04:00

I'm supposed to send in Chapter Two today.

The first 14 pages are solid... in fact, they're pretty good. After that, the ideas are fine and the writing is okay, but I feel like I need help expanding things.

It's also too short. When I finish today it'll be about 22 pages -- not where I wanted it to be. See, I know there are places where I need to develop the ideas, but see above about needing help.

I wish my advisor was someone I could run a draft past, but so far I've had no response about Chapter One (not even an "I got it" email). My "other" advisor is much nicer, but not someone I feel like I can ask for feedback.

I guess my question is this: are rough drafts allowed to be rough? Or am I supposed to be sending in what I see as completed chapters (knowing that they'll demand changes anyway)?

Goal bullets

2006-10-02T11:54:00.000-04:00

~~20 minutes on the bike.~~
~~shower~~
~~post office~~
~~3 pages of chapter 2~~
20 more minutes on bike (yes, I try to split it up).

This should be easy, right? It looks easy enough.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

2006-10-01T23:03:00.000-04:00

I knew that taking this semester mostly off would be difficult financially. It's already come to the bad place, only a month and a bit in.

We're supposed to go back to the Other Coast for winter break. My husband has no extra money, and neither do I. When I brought this up (in passing) to my parents, I got a little bit of shit for it... which meant that I immediately went and charged the tickets on my already-fucked credit card. (No, it's not overlimit, but at this point it's something like 19.5% interest, and I've been trying to pay it down for the last two years without actually using it.)

So now I'm freaking the hell out over money - again - and I don't know what to do.

I really thought I'd saved enough to handle both the honeymoon and my bills for one semester. I didn't.

I just want to cry.

(Almost) dream job.

2006-10-01T14:27:00.000-04:00

My dream job would involve a move to the Other Coast. I have to say that up front, because it's the one thing keeping me from going into near coma-rapture state over the job I found a couple days ago.

Without saying too much, I'll say this: it's so in my field that it might well have been written for me. I have an odd academic background, and there's only one particular way I want to draw on my M.A. in my future work -- this job actually works in that particular way.

It's interdisiplinary, the college is small, and the mission statement is something I could actually embrace.

If only it weren't on This Coast. I can live with that - I could live where this place is, specifically - but I can't call it Dream Job. Therefore, I'll continue to refer to it as (A)DJ.

Counting words

2006-10-01T11:17:00.000-04:00

You may notice that, according to the word count o'meter in my side bar, I've gone from 1/2 done with Chapter Two to about 1/4 done. Since I had to retype everything, I decided to keep actual track of how quickly (or slowly) that was going.

The good news is, I'm correcting and adding things as I go. I found a great new study that has been really helpful in rounding out part of my theory, and a book was published after I submitted my proposal that adds a lot to my guesswork in another area.

The bad news is that I'm floundering in general with the rewriting. Today I've set a very small goal of three (old) pages, because I know there's going to be a lot added in.

After that, there will be an hour of working on cover letters.

I leave for the Other Coast on Wednesday morning. This chapter must be in by then. Luckily, no class this week (Yom Kippur) -- that gives me some solid Monday morning time that I don't usually have.

Self-indulgent bullshit

2006-09-28T23:06:00.000-04:00

Today, I've gone from being bitchy to depressed to bent out of shape.

Fun day, eh?

My parents were visiting this week, and it's really difficult for me to deal with my mother. Sometimes she's fine, and normal, but sometimes it's really obvious that she's getting older. She forgets things, she doesn't hear some things, sometimes she'll start talking as though we're in an ongoing conversation (and it makes no sense)... it sucks.

I mean, when she's "there," she's fine. When she's not...

I don't really have anyone to discuss this with. My brother doesn't notice any changes (mostly because he doesn't spend any time with them) and my sister just gets pissed off when Mum isn't "normal." So I end up hearing how annoying my mother is (from my sister) and I have to tell her over and over again to shut the fuck up.

(I'm verging on that, anyway. Seriously, my sister has gone psycho. She's now going out deer hunting with her new Republican boyfriend... deer hunting, people. If you knew how against her nature this was, you'd be scared, too.)

And, finally, my father had some genetic testing done. One of the recommendations - aside from the many yearly tests I'm apparently supposed to have - is that I get a hysterectomy at 50. Yes, I realize that's 15 years away; yes, I realize that I won't be using my uterus for it's primary purpose at that point. It still bothers me.

Echo... echo...

2006-09-26T10:22:00.000-04:00

For some reason, I can't access my blog. I can access the new post page, now, but my blog is all blank screen to me.

Two questions.

2006-09-24T11:40:00.000-04:00

Why doesn't my blogrolling list update? Once in a while I'll see the "New!!" next to a title, but it's very, very rare.
Why do I have to refresh some blog pages to get the latest, while with others it's always automatically there?

I've gotten in the habit of coming here in the morning and then going straight to B*'s page. Her page always loads properly, and (ahem) I can rely on her blogrolling to be properly updated. Yes, B*, if you're reading this - if you have a stat counter and wonder WTF I'm doing at your page all the time - I really am piggybacking on your blogroller. I'm ashamed, but it's true.

#8

2006-09-24T00:43:00.000-04:00

I can watch A Knight's Tale over and over again. It's the combination of Heath Ledger (who yes, I find yummy), Paul Bettany (who I adore) and Alan Tudyk.

Fact the next.

2006-09-23T17:33:00.000-04:00

I have a temper. It's not as bad as it used to be - good gosh, how could it be? - but it's bad, at times. Usually it's when I'm pushed beyond what *I* feel is appropriate, although that varies a great deal and is probably not obvious to others.

Right now, my temper is being prodded by the dumbass bitch downstairs. She thinks that her music sounds better with lots and lots of bass, which I need to disagree with. Britney Spears does not sound better with bass. She still sounds like crap, and I have to deal with the fucking pathetic "bass line" in the music. (Really... I know good bass. Britney, you are not good bass.)

Can you believe...

2006-09-22T14:40:00.000-04:00

...the dress came clean!!!

If you know to look, there's some fading to the blue pattern where the wine was. There's also a tiny bit of discoloration in some places. Nobody would notice either of those things, unless they were pointed out.

I'm so impressed with the cleaner! Yay Kevin!

Grading thoughts

2006-09-22T11:15:00.000-04:00

Wiccachicky wrote about assessment today, which got me thinking about my normal semesters. When I have 100 students, I rarely have time to write extensive comments. Last semester, I realized that I was writing the same comment over and over again - more than usual, I mean - and so I started using a "general" feedback form as well as more specific comments.

With papers, the students then got a sheet addressing general issues, so that they could see what they'd done as well as what they'd avoided doing. I liked this idea, as it seemed to give them more feedback than usual -- while I'll commonly scribble something about "good development" next to a paragraph if they've fully explained an idea, sometimes I think my "A" students don't really know what they did right... this fixed that problem as well.

I also told them that I would go back through any paper to write more comments, if they turned it back to me. (Essentially, this gives them the turnaround they want (within a week!) and - generally - gives the students who really want comments the opportunity for more attention.)

For some reason, this grading scheme worked brilliantly with one group and not at all with the other. Two sections of the same course, with vastly different responses to the grading. In one section, reviews said "great feedback on papers," "really fast detailed grading," etc., almost across the board. The other section hated the grading system and slammed me for it on evaluations.

As I'm in the process of redesigning this seminar, I'd like to put more about grading in the syllabus to start out with; I'd also like to go back to weekly papers (which I didn't have last time) but with two or three other classes on top of these two seminars... well, there's just not a lot of grading time. I have so many concerns about this particular seminar, but assessment of the students is definitely high on the list.

The bed! The bed!

2006-09-21T13:37:00.000-04:00

The bed is actually on it's way. Hooray!!

I've just spent another half hour throwing shit out to make room for it. Seriously, there's stuff that should have been trashed before the move but got set aside - lack of time - and now I'm trying to pare down more to make this place... clean.

My den is horrific. It's a mass of half-packed clothing, unpacked books, and general crap. The main living areas are tidy and uncluttered, but walk into my study and all bets are off.

Shoved into the bedroom closet are 4-5 suitcases and 3-4 Hefty bags full of shoes and clothes. Lots of them need to go (anyone need 12 pairs of black pants, size 4/6?) but I haven't gone through them yet. It's also that annoying time of the year when one needs both summer and winter clothes out, because it can vary between 35-85F within 3 days. If I went through the clothes, I'd have room for storage in the closet, and some of my study mess could be rearranged, leaving room for books.

Not in Big City

2006-09-21T11:45:00.000-04:00

I was supposed to be driving 5 hours to Big City today, and I'm not.

The idea of driving there today and back tomorrow was starting to throw me into a tizzy. I like driving (in fact, I love driving) but I also freak out about driving longer distances alone, sometimes.

And, admittedly, it had something to do with a feeling that spending two more days doing *no* work was a bad idea. As I bulleted, my parents are in town for several days next week (no work then) and I'm flying back to the other coast on Oct. 4th for about ten more days. While I should be able to work there - at least, I hope? - it's still not ideal.

My "I don't want to go" won out over my guilt about flaking on this particular trip.

The thing is, when you're working on the dissertation, no one really takes that seriously as "work," I think. Certainly I don't have to *be* anywhere - no one's keeping track of me - but certain things still count (in my mind) as taking days off working... so taking 4-5 days off this week and another 3-4 off next week was seriously messing with me.

I feel better now, but obviously still guilty.

I feel like shit

2006-09-20T23:54:00.000-04:00

Okay, first? I had a cigarette. That was a bad damn idea, because 10 minutes later I feel like I'm going to puke and I feel guilty. (I quit over a year ago... and I've had a couple since then, but I feel like an idiot every single time.)

Why did I have one? Because I was trying to have a "talk" with my friend (who is a smoker) and the easiest way to get in talk-scenario was to say "lets go out on the porch..."

That is just damn stupid.

And I don't want another one - I never do, when I slip - but *gag* why do I do this to myself? If I've had, say, one every three months (which is about right) shouldn't I have learned already that they make me sick and then I feel horrible?

Early Tuesday Bullets

2006-09-19T09:41:00.000-04:00

A friend from the other coast is visiting this week. He gets in this morning -- thus I've been up early, trying to get the spare bedroom somewhat clean. Erk.
The above means there will be very little time for dissertating this week.
My parents will be here next week for several days.
See bullet #2.
We still don't have a bed in the spare bedroom. We do have a (fairly) comfortable futon, but the frame for it is so damn large that moving it to the spare room is... doubtful.

More w(h)ine.

2006-09-18T12:53:00.001-04:00

Last night we were at a gathering for Small Private College. Although I'm not teaching there this semester, I was invited and decided to go... I do like most of the people there.

I knew that someone had replaced me, as an adjunct, for the two classes I gave up this semester. I also knew when I gave those up that it might mean I'd lose classes at Small Private College entirely... but I had to finish this dissertation, eh? Last night I met my replacement, and then found out that she had indeed been given two of my classes for Spring. That's not my phrasing, by the way; the chair phrased it as "I gave her your Other Course in Spring." I was still offered my seminar - that's good - but I now need to find more adjunct work, elsewhere, to make ends meet (or at least put ends in the same general neighborhood).

Nevertheless, the party was quite fun.

Then, mini-disaster. A mosquito landed on my arm, and Sasha decided the best move would be to kill it. Usually, not the worst idea... unless your wife is also holding a glass of red wine. He slapped, the wine sloshed, and suddenly my white and blue linen dress had a lot more color.

I was going to upload a picture of the dress, post-wine, but blogger is having issues with that right now. Maybe later. For now, I will go mourn the dress and grade papers.

On edit: the photo.

No!!!!!!

2006-09-18T11:01:00.000-04:00

I'm about halfway through ch. 2 (my self-imposed deadline for this is 9/29 - note the new and exciting word count in my sidebar) and the writing is going pretty well. I had a solid base for this chapter, and expanding it has been easier than I expected.

However, I'm completely distracted by one thing right now: the Word file seems to be having major problems. The spacing is all messed up through the entire document - I can't even explain how many ways one document can have messed-up spacing - and it's driving me batty. It's like segments of the paper have defaulted to 1.5 spacing, and I can't fix it.

I've tried sending it to another computer, no luck.
I've taken it out of Word and put it back, no luck.

My last option, right now, is to re-type the 19ish pages I already have... and I'm of two minds about that. It might be the best thing for me. I used to write longhand and then type it all in, editing and adding as I went. Retyping would be similar to that process, and might make the whole thing more "finished" as a first draft.

And really, 19 pages doesn't take that long to type.

I'm just stunned that this could happen, and need to figure out why.

To make this post less whiny (or to compensate for it), here is a photo of the oddest statue in Dresden. It's neat, but it's a little creepy, isn't it? Why the monkey? Why the boar?

Huh?

2006-09-17T22:58:00.000-04:00

People actually think like this:
"You can't demand to be taken seriously intellectually and flaunt your feminine sexuality at the same time."

Oh, dear gosh.

*ponder*

What exactly is "feminine sexuality," anyway?

Oooh, t-shirts

2006-09-17T17:07:00.000-04:00

Reading comments over at Buzz's (good gosh, do I have nothing to do of a Sunday?) made me start thinking about t-shirts I want.

What with the recent - and ongoing - issues at my Small Private College about my religion, and with my utter devotion to Firefly, this t-shirt is the current frontrunner:

My only quibble with it is that the quote is from the show, not the movie... the background image on the shirt says "Serenity."

However, I think this is necessary for the first day of class next semester.

fixing Versailles

2006-09-17T15:31:00.000-04:00

I'm still working on it, but:

before...

after...

Bedding

2006-09-17T11:33:00.000-04:00

Our spare bed is supposed to arrive today. After about four months with it, my brother decided he wanted a "normal" bed again, so we're adopting the Tempur-pedic. I'm wondering if we should try it for awhile as our main bed -- I swear I've had far, far less neck and back pain since I started sleeping on their pillows.

It might help a few things... especially in the tossing & turning department. As things are, if Sasha so much as twitches, I wake up. This is another reason I end up on the sofa, most nights. On the honeymoon, most of the places we stayed had the typical two-twin-beds-pushed-together (which makes... a queen? I'm not sure). Example*:

I've seen lots of people complain about this bed arrangement on travel forums, but I rather liked it. So long as they're in a frame, the beds don't creep apart. Major plus: If one person moves, it doesn't transfer to the other bed.

To do this right, though, would require more money than we currently have. The Tempurpedic may be a better solution, for now. I am, however, planning to get separate twin duvets when I have the chance/money.

Someday, I will find the perfect sleeping arrangement, and then I will be happy.

*This was the room in Amsterdam. We were on the 4th floor and had a really nice view onto the Singel canal.

Update: For the fifth time in a row, my brother has flaked on bringing the bed. This sucks, especially considering that we have a friend visiting on Tuesday and my parents the week after that.

Grumble.

Just because, continued

2006-09-16T14:42:00.000-04:00

The car we rented in Germany had a GPS system. For six days, this saved our asses over and over again -- Sasha and I can get lost anywhere, and trying to get between/around small German towns was a challenge.

However, as we found out, castles do not have addresses. Addresses are necessary, for a GPS system. The castle was supposed to be a three-hour drive, and it ended up being three hours plus two hours of getting lost in the general vicinity.

When we finally found it, I was disappointed at first. From the side, you couldn't see any of what shows in the photo (below)... all that was visible was a somewhat crumbling side wall and an odd courtyard. Because getting there had been so stressful, I was ready to cry. So, when we walked around and saw the castle itself, I was thrilled. When we got to the room, I was even more thrilled:

(and that's only half of it...)

(note that my husband has no head in this photo.)

We were pleased. We spent most of the afternoon roaming about the area around the castle and having a few beers in the garden. Dinner was amazing - they had a very good chef on staff - and we were sent back to our room with an extra bottle of (very good) red wine.

I would have happily stayed at this place for weeks.

It was the perfect end to the honeymoon.

Just because

2006-09-15T23:55:00.000-04:00

This is the German castle we stayed in, the last night of our honeymoon. It wasn't big, but it was absolutely lovely.

More tomorrow about this, as I'm sleepy now.

Unhappy-ish

2006-09-15T09:04:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty convinced that good sleep only comes to those with no financial worries. I think I went to sleep around 3am, woke up at 7am, and finally cussed my way off the sofa at 8am.

Yes, the sofa. Because that's where I've been "sleeping."

I posted before about waking up with anxiety and needing to fall back asleep to the distraction of the TV -- things have gone downhill from there, my friends. After about a week of waking up at all hours and dragging myself out to the sofa, I stopped trying to sleep in the bed at all.

Part of this is a partner/light issue. Sasha goes to bed much earlier than I do, and that takes away the possibility of my normal sleep-inducer (reading). For decades I've fallen asleep reading, or at least lulled myself to a state close to sleep... that option is now closed. I've tried using my iPod instead, but it doesn't work very well. With an audiobook, I tend to fall asleep very quickly, but then wake up an hour later to some other part of the book.

The rest of it is, indeed, an anxiety issue. I've been batting at the idea of going back on meds, but I really, really fear doing that. However, as I've also been more than a little depressed - which is either feeding or feeding on the anxiety, or both - I'm wondering if I should at least try. There are two options: One, a lower dose of what I was taking before (Zoloft), which helped but had side-effects that worsened over time (including some very, very odd ones -- near the end of taking it, Zoloft actually made me crave alcohol. I thought I was insane, for a bit, but I've talked to several other people who had the same reaction). Two - probably the better option - Wellbutrin. I went on W. for about a month, once, in an attempt to quit smoking (it's Zyban, under a different name) but stopped when it didn't help. At the time I wasn't at all depressed, and the only major change from W. was a massive surge in sex drive.

That wouldn't hurt things, right now.

I'm going to try the diet & exercise bit first - and maybe even St. Johns Wort? - but something has to change soon.

New name, new look...

2006-09-14T15:41:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'm not talented enough to customize my blog, but I was tired of my old template. And the name.

I started this blog (elsewhere) when I quit smoking. The entire point of the blog was to get me through the quit and the anxiety that came with quitting.

Did that.

Now, I guess, it's more of a teaching/writing/bitching blog, although I still think of the emphasis being "dealing with anxiety disorder while doing... whatever."

With the recent switch from teaching full-time to writing the dissertation, the name change seemed in order, too. My study has windows in front of and behind the desk. When I sit in here - as I do for eight hours a day - I hear mostly squirrels. These are not just happy, chattering squirrels: they scream.

They are very loud.
The noise dominates my otherwise peaceful (if messy) study.

Luckily, I find it sort of cool.

2006-09-14T00:23:00.000-04:00

Looking at Weight Watchers online does nothing but piss me off.

Yes, there are substitutions I should be making. We have white rice probably twice a week -- that should be brown rice. I eat white bread once a day, and that should be either oatmeal bread or (gag) wheat bread.

Other than that? It's the beer.

Okay, and this week it's been cheese, because I found really good mozzarella at the store. Yum. You can't fault me for eating that lovely mozzarella and tomato salad last night. ;)

But otherwise? Hell. Their core foods are what we eat, daily. Eggs, lean meats, lots of vegetables (usually steamed, even) and no processed food... I'm starting to think that my metabolism is just crazed.

Am going to start using the exercise bike in the morning instead of late afternoon. Am hoping that it will both kick-start my metabolism (does it work like that?) and help motivate me in other ways as well.

Duck!

2006-09-13T15:24:00.000-04:00

It's been, what? two hours since I sent off chapter one, and I'm in a foul, foul mood.

I've flipped through my notes and writing for chapter two, and I have about 12 pages already "written." That's good. The basic ideas I've written in those 12 pages are going to be fairly easy to expand on. Also good.

So would someone explain to me why I'm insanely pissy right now?

I sort of feel like I need to cook something elaborate to get over this mood... however, the supplies I bought at the store yesterday aren't lending themselves to any ideas, there. It would be a good day for a stew, too - it's chilly and rainy - but that would also involve going back to the store.

Grumble.

It's gone!

2006-09-13T13:32:00.000-04:00

I sent off Chapter One, finally. I don't think it's done, but I was bouncing around in editing limbo... I need to move on to Chapter Two, and come back to this later.

Today.

2006-09-12T12:44:00.000-04:00

I'm having problems finishing chapter one. Actually, I'm having problems getting started for the week, in general.

Class was fantastic yesterday, though. I'm down to 8 students - wonderful for a seminar - and we spent the first 1/2 hour discussing what their research interests were, and how they could help each other. I feel like I've focused the class more on how to "use" a seminar to focus their own interests, and I got immediate feedback on it. One student emailed me to say how much he enjoyed class, and one - one I was a little worried about - asked me to be her senior thesis advisor. Unfortunately I can't do that (although I've done it before, at this school) but it was nice to have that kind of response.

For today, I'm trying to put a schedule in place. I was up late last night again - and got up late - so it's noon and I'm still injecting coffee. I do have a plan:

~~print chapter one~~
~~finish coffee and general wake-up time~~
~~20 minutes on exercise bike~~
~~shower~~
~~go to grocery store (we're out of everything edible and most other things)~~
~~sit outside and edit chapter one~~

It's important that the editing take place outside. Fall has already crept in here, and sunlight will soon be a thing of the past.

Cat/suit(s)

2006-09-11T10:28:00.000-04:00

Little Guy, our younger Siamese, is going absolutely crazy this morning. Usually it's his sister, Cory, who does this. For the last half hour, he's been running back and forth and yowling at the top of his little kitty lungs.

I am so glad I'm already up, or I'd be pissed.

My weekend was pretty much a waste of time. I did buy two suits for the upcoming conference (the one where I'm hoping to have interviews).

Suit one is your basic black pinstripe-y thing:

I like this because I can wear crazy, crazy shoes with it. I figure, keep the suit all classic and toned-down, but then add the black suede embroidered heels.* That works, right?

Suit two is a lot more feminine and we'll see if I can pull it off:

They're both Tahari, which I love because the suits are generally cut for women-with-hips and not for stick figures.

Total suit-buying cost: $75. I rock.

* The heels for suit one:

Seminar-style bitching

2006-09-10T10:49:00.000-04:00

Because of my strange schedule, tomorrow is my second class of the semester. All other classes have been running for two weeks straight, but mine only meets Monday nights. Several people dropped after the first class, and a couple people added -- overall, it's going to seem like Day One all over again, I think.

(Must remember to bring syllabi.)

It's a very small class, and designed to be a seminar. I usually start out by explaining what a seminar is, because even when classes are labelled as such in the catalog, students expect lecture. Last semester at Small Private College, I went through my little speech for the seniors, and finished with something like "so if you want lecture, go elsewhere... the waitlist for this class is immense and you will make someone else very happy if you drop"* (which was true).

We just got evaluations for last semester and, of course, in with the very positive comments were some outright slams. One student had decided it was "unethical and immoral" to have students responsible for leading discussion days... another said that she learned more in the class than in any other, but that "the professor sucked."

Now, I realize most students haven't had a true seminar. This is why I find it necessary to assign "primary responsibility" for the readings to different students each class. You would think, though, that they would have some realization that seminars do indeed teach them different things than lecture-style courses.

I don't have a ton of experience leading different seminar courses - I've only had two 400-level topics - and I'm constantly trying to improve on how I run them.

Is there some way that I'm missing to convince students that yes, doing the readings and coming prepared to discuss them openly is "real" learning? I know that I'm overreacting a bit, but I still feel like I'm missing some key page of How To Run a Seminar.

*By the way, this statement doesn't sound as bitchy in person as it does on the page. Generally, it gets more of a laugh than anything else, because they all know the course fills up in 1/2 hour after registration opens.

There is news, and it's good.

2006-09-07T10:26:00.000-04:00

After some emailing by the chair of my (currently former?) department to various other college people, I've been given the go-ahead to buy a new laptop. There's a committee that I'm paid (a wee bit) to be on, and since my research involves computers it would make sense to have a laptop that doesn't suck... but the college had some rule that the money could only be used for certain things.

*shrug*

After reading at Russian Violets' place this morning I'm pretty sure I shouldn't go the Dell route for this computer. Hell, the only thing wrong with my current laptop is that the battery doesn't work and I stupidly replaced it before the recall. I've thought about just replacing the battery, but I swear there's something horribly wrong with this particular battery/computer combination.

I'd like to buy this (the middle one) but I don't have quite that much money from the funding. If it was last semester - or even, maybe, next semester - I could chip in the extra... if I do so now, I might be going without food for a couple of weeks. Will have to check the budget a bit more carefully.

2006-09-03T05:36:00.000-04:00

I can go months without having a full-blown panic attack. Right now I'm at about 5/10 on the panic scale, down from 6 or 7 earlier. More often, I will get some of the physical symptoms (racing heart, for example) without it going fully into panic mode... I attribute that to years of practicing CBT and learning what my "panic symptoms" are.

(Down to a 4, now. This is taking awhile to write.)

My bigger anxiety problem has always been "generalized anxiety disorder," which is difficult to separate from OCD at times. I haven't really ever developed the "C" in OCD -- I just have very obsessive thought patterns that lead to anxiety. Over the last year, this problem has been manifesting in one major way: I wake up around 4-5 am, worrying about something, and my brain cannot let it go. No matter how tired I am, at that point, I'm fucked. Obviously, this happened this morning (3:10 this time, hooray) and I did the usual -- I got up, got a glass of water, and headed for the sofa. If I turn the TV on, I can usually distract myself enough to fall back asleep.

3:10 on a Sunday morning is a bad time for TV here, however. I got the last half of "Amazing Race," and that was it. I did fall asleep briefly watching Internal Affairs on HBO, but that's not the mind-numbing soothing type of drama I usually choose in these cases. I woke up suddenly (after about 10 minutes) to the racing heart and general unease that comes with a panic attack.

Despite the CBT, they sometimes just get away from me. About an hour ago I was at "7." Now I've taken a shower (with lavender body wash), rubbed a ton of lotion onto my shoulders to relax them - I immediately tense up - and still I'm in panic mode. (Down to a 3, though. Little bits of higher-level breakthrough panic that will continue for awhile.)

While we were travelling I only had one seriously bad night and maybe two iffy nights. One night in Amsterdam I became convinced that I was going to sleepwalk and climb out the (4th floor) window. I tried everything to distract myself: audio book, video on the iPod, shower, lotion... the whole nine yards. Nothing really helped, and I was in major panic mode for a good four hours.

By the way, anyone who tells you that panic attacks only last 10 minutes is completely full of shit. If you have any generalized anxiety along with panic disorder, panic attacks can last a Really. Damn. Long. Time. When all this started years ago, I would regularly - several times a week - have ongoing panic. (There's a difference between anxiety attacks and panic attacks that's difficult to describe.)

I've thought about going back on medication - I was on Zoloft for 5 years - but while it controls the racing thoughts it seems to do it by (for me) taking away most other emotions as well. And I want to sleep a lot when I'm on it... at the end of the 5 years I was having problems if I got less than 12 hours of sleep. It also kills any creativity I have, which didn't (and wouldn't now) make a PhD program very easy.

So, I'm stuck. I know all the CBT necessary to get by, and while I wouldn't mind a refresher course I can't find a therapist around here that I trust. Occasionally, like now, I'll just sit down and write my way through a panic attack... usually that helps. Right now I'm still tense (I have to keep reminding myself to relax my shoulders. I'll relax them and realize 5 minutes later that I'm hunching them again) but down to about a 2/10. Pretty soon I'll be able to go back to the sofa - hopefully find better TV - and fall asleep.

P.S. This counts as a very long #6.

100 things (in no order, whenever I feel like it)

2006-09-02T18:19:00.000-04:00

Numbers 1-5.

I am a devoted fan of Firefly (the cancelled TV show). When I first saw the trailer for Serenity in the theatre, I actually got tears in my eyes. We won't discuss what happened when I saw the film. I've been good, and only watched Serenity twice so far... but when I get depressed I have a huge urge to watch episodes of the original series.
On the wall directly in front of me, now, I have a map of the world, complete with little red pins marking where I've been.
I have never been camping, that I remember.
I am planning a trip to Scotland next summer that revolves around camping.
(This is actual disclosure, on par with #1): I have called myself "Wiccan" for ~~about~~ more than 15 years now. I've met two (really, two) other Wiccans who understood why I consider myself Wiccan. The fact that I don't fit in, in a religion that embraces not fitting in, bothers me. My sister, who changes religions quicker than husbands, has found more "community" in the Wiccan community than I have.

2006-08-31T09:56:00.000-04:00

I got a lovely new book yesterday, and I'd really like to dive into it. In chapter one of Flutterby, responding to one book really got the writing going... and then I looked on Amazon and found out that the author had just published a follow-up to that text.

Oooooh! It's exciting when an author you like starts directly addressing the issues you want to talk about, isn't it? I feel sort of like I'm in conversation with her, even though I'm... not.

I would like to go devour this book whole. Usually I only feel that way about fiction. (There are, in fact, two novels I'm dying to read, and they're sitting on my shelf mocking me.)

P.S. I feel like I often miss comments, when I move along here. Am I missing the "easy" way to see just comments from my last week of blogging, or do I simply need to be more attentive?

bullets and sub-bullets

2006-08-30T11:17:00.000-04:00

Students were horrified by the amount of reading for the seminar. I can't blame them. Enrollment has dropped from 12 to 9 already, and I wonder how many I'll actually have in class in two weeks. Note: As this course was "given over" at the last minute (or thereabouts) I had very little say in how much reading was to be assigned. I was told by the chair - in no uncertain terms - "at least 9 solid texts."
This morning has been dedicated to wrapping up loose ends... all the things I should have done over the last two weeks and have been putting off. So far, I have:

Found new health insurance, and made sure I could still enroll (filled out form, agonized over $, etc., etc.).
Paid rent (see above about "agonizing").
Bought a new toner cartridge (and again).
Found out when I scheduled my less-than-fun doctor's appointment -- I lost the date when we moved, and I've missed the appointment for this particular thing so many times they have threatened to blacklist me from the office.

Still to do:

Grade change for ridiculous student.
Grocery shopping.
Clean out former office.
Photocopy some random things.

last minute syllabus woes

2006-08-28T10:22:00.000-04:00

Yes, yes, class starts in about five hours and I'm still debating parts of my syllabus.

Right now, the main problem I have is with the "short papers" requirement. It's a senior seminar, there's a lot of reading (although, really, 200 pages a week isn't that bad, right?) and there are no exams during the semester. Instead, they write weekly short papers to use as the basis for discussion in class -- at least, that's how it's supposed to work.

[More detail, if anyone cares... One or two people have primary responsibility for chapters of each book. Those people must write an outline of some sort and come up with discussion questions for their chapter. Then - whether you're doing primary on a chapter or not - there's also a two-page "reflection" paper on the text as a whole. This means that Student A may have both an outline and a paper due one week, but only a paper the next week.

(Insert rolling eyes here... it's really less complicated than I'm making it sound).]

The issue: since they write these papers before any discussion of the texts, and the texts are quite difficult, I would rather "check off" the papers rather than outright grade them. So, if the student attempts to engage with the text - even if their conclusions are horrible - they get full credit. If they don't turn in their paper, or if there's obviously no attempt to do the required work, no credit. (Less credit, sometimes? A check-minus usually equates to 1/2 credit.)

The change this semester is that I'm having them turn everything back in at the end of the semester, and any 1/2 credit work can be re-written for more (though not full) credit. Any missed papers can also be made up (for 1/2 credit).

Is this fair? Am I being a bad professor by not assigning letter grades? Last semester I did a very simple point scale (which is really just a letter grade in disguise). I feel like checking off the papers should be enough, but part of me wonders if it's fair to the students who spend hours on their papers.

On the flip side, it seems to encourage those students who don't have previous experience with the field... as I said, the readings are tough, and in the past I've had students get very frustrated because they're trying to understand the readings and don't "get them" until after class discussion. (The re-write option should fix some of that, I suppose.)

Gosh, I'm torn. I suppose I don't have to tell them today how the papers will be graded...

2006-08-27T12:58:00.000-04:00

Classes start tomorrow. Because of my class meeting day, we'll have the first meeting period, and miss the next week (Labor Day). If I'm counting correctly, we only meet twelve times during the sixteen-week semester.

Odd, that.

This morning I woke up and realized that I was out of coffee. In my car on the way to the coffeeshop - er, coffeehouse? I'll never quite think of coffeeshops the same away again, after Amsterdam - I realized there were several reasons I was happy to be back here. This is an exercise in half-fullness:

Driving my car. I like driving, and I love my car.
Our bedroom has lots of windows, and I like listening to the rain while curled up in bed.
My bed, in general. I missed my bed, while on vacation.
Cooking dinner. Eating out is fine, and can be fun, but five weeks of eating out for every single meal is boring.
Reliable Internet that doesn't cost $10 an hour and involve surfing while people are sneaking glances at your screen.

Drafting Flutterby

2006-08-26T10:06:00.000-04:00

My father is a professor -- or was, I suppose, as he's just retired. Completely different field from me, but it's still very useful to talk with him about classes, students, the dissertation...

On the phone a few nights ago, we were talking about the process of writing Flutterby (the dissertation) and I had one of "those" realizations: one of the main reasons I've been putting off the writing is that I feel I don't know what's expected of me.

I've said (several thousand times, now) that I'm not getting a lot of "advice" on this. In fact, getting my topic defended was difficult, and required far more than just writing a good proposal. It's been a struggle the whole way, and no one really wants the project (except, I suppose, me).

On the phone, then, I said something to the effect of "I don't know what they want, so they can read the rough draft and tell me what to change."

That is, really, it. If people won't be constructive during the process, I can handle that by writing exactly what I want to say, and then adding what they want to hear. If I don't like it, the additions can come out later, after I have the degree in hand.

Do I have 200 pages of things to say on this topic? Certainly. Could I use some outside voices telling me what's clear and what's unclear? Sure. If that won't come until I have the whole thing done, well, at least I'll have a damn good rough draft.

Requiem for a blog.

2006-08-23T18:58:00.000-04:00

Okay, remember Tabitha? I had just started regularly reading her blog ("Tabitha Writes Back") when she stopped blogging. I just now went to update the what-I-read list, and it made me sad that I had to delete her - now overtaken by spam - blog.

*snorfle*

2006-08-23T11:34:00.000-04:00

I've emailed both my main advisors and not had a response from either of them.

It's been four days.

What. The. Heck?

Okay, that's not exactly true. One emailed me to say that she wouldn't be emailing me about my "issue" for awhile, and she hoped that was okay, and that she was sure I have other things to do.

Which is true, and all, and I'm not demanding immediate response... but this "issue" has been an ongoing one, and I've come up with a solution to it on my own. Finally. However, I still have a bad feeling that I've neglected something very important, and that the lack of response over the last couple of years about this issue might end up negating most of my research to this point.

Flip side: the morning writing sessions have been going quite well. I've combined suggestions by reading, and responding where necessary to particular quotes in the texts... it's working out, so far. This morning I tackled some really annoying but necessary definition-type stuff.

growl

2006-08-21T11:13:00.000-04:00

This was to be my first morning getting back to work on the dissertation.

It started out just fine. I had to get up early to take my car in for the (annual?) safety inspection, something I’ve been putting off far too long. (Seriously… my sticker expired in January. I’ve been only parking on one-way streets, so that the side with the sticker is facing the curb instead of the street. I’ve been dodging cops as much as possible by staying in the middle lane of traffic.)

So, I was up, sitting at the computer, and fully caffeinated by 8:30am. By 10am, I’d re-read a chapter of a source book and even written a page or two… not bad, not bad.

At 10am, however, the phone rang. I cringed. Since no one calls us that early, it could only mean one thing: car trouble.

Sure enough, my car is sick. Sick to the tune of $600. While I have the money to cover that, there are several of other things (car insurance, health insurance, etc.) due in the next two weeks as well.

Plus, my car is a 2004. One of the reasons I bought a new car when my old one was totaled in a wreck several years ago was to avoid the large maintenance bills on older cars... they always seem to pop up at very bad times. I was a bit surprised that this could happen, and so I asked the car guy why on earth this problem came up. Answer: I don’t drive my car enough. Parts of the brakes were rusted, because my usual commute in winter is only 8 miles roundtrip – apparently not far enough to get certain parts of the car up to running temperature.

If there’s one thing that will distract me to tears, it’s budget issues. I’m trying not to stress out, but despite my best attempts to continue, the writing was over for the morning.

2006-08-20T13:32:00.000-04:00

Feel free to continue suggesting things for me. It's helping.

Quick update: I emailed the helpful advisor, although I haven't heard back yet. I set a schedule for myself, with her, and asked for any possible input.

I also ordered some new books, building off Wiccachicky's suggestion. Two of them should have been on my shelf already, and one comes out next week (er, Buzz, we need to talk about that).

Am feeling more prepared. For now, I am going to work with the habits I already have, which means writing in the morning. After noon, I don't write well. (This is good, because I can do course-related stuff at night, like read those books I've assigned.)

Getting started?

2006-08-18T09:36:00.000-04:00

As I've said repeatedly, I only have one class this semester. It's a senior seminar, it appears to have ten students enrolled, and it meets one night a week.

Finances aside, it's an ideal schedule for writing.

Now that I'm back from the honeymoon and somewhat unpacked from the move, I really need to start working on my dissertation. The problem is, I have no idea how to do that. I know that everyone struggles with this, and I've been trying to follow some suggestions I've read over time (set small goals; break things down into bite-sized pieces; set aside a particular time of the day) but getting started is proving difficult.

I feel like my first order of business should be re-arranging everything I do have written (about 60 pages?) into "chapter order." From there, I could start expanding on each section. Sounds great, right? Yet, every time I think about doing this, I stare at the folder in dread. It's been quite awhile since I seriously focused on this (almost two years, people!) and I'm freaking out.

I thought about starting differently, by emailing the one dissertation advisor who I've had the least contact with (but who has been the most supportive, in odd ways). I haven't yet told her that I'm taking time off - yes, one class counts as time off - and I need to get some kind of rough schedule going with her.

Any ideas on how to get this first step down to managable size? When I start writing, I'm usually fine... I just can't get to that stage. Or should I start there? If there was a way to pull out "chapter one" and work on that without going through everything else to find the pieces of chapter one that are scattered around, I'd be fine. I do have a chapter I could *almost* do that with (it's a methodology chapter) but it's also the section that needs the most work and I was hoping to put it off until I had my feet wet(ter).

Erk. This is why I end up grocery shopping and cooking three-course dinners, I tell you.

The quotes thing.

2006-08-17T09:20:00.000-04:00

Seen at Buzz's:

"Go here and look through random quotes until you find 5 that you think reflect who you are or what you believe."

Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices - just recognize them. Edward R. Murrow (1908 - 1965)
Seek simplicity, and distrust it. Alfred North Whitehead (1861 - 1947)
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.* Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
I'd rather work with someone who's good at their job but doesn't like me, than someone who likes me but is a ninny. Sam Donaldson (1934 - )

*I only picked this one because I just turned 35. I don't habitually lie about my age, although I often forget what it is. Or, I round up.

#1 is what I try to teach my students, or how I try to teach. Maybe both. (Although I do believe a person can overcome certain prejudices, usually by substituting others.)

I can't believe I picked a Whitehead quote. That's almost as disturbing to me as when an online quiz labelled me a "deconstructionist." Almost.

2006-08-14T15:33:00.000-04:00

I only accomplished one thing on yesterday's list: "buy a hammer." While that's great and all, I'm a bit concerned about my lack of motivation. I did unpack the "important" books today (dissertation & those related to the seminar I start teaching in three weeks) but the clothes are still firmly in their baskets and the spare room is still full of boxes.

I spent about an hour this morning trying to figure out why my AirPort - the easiest possible wireless connection on the face of the earth - isn't working (and then: "is it the AirPort or the router?" It can't be the router, because Sasha's computer is also hooked to the router. And then: "I'll just go non-wireless for awhile" only to find that that doesn't work, either, suggesting some larger issue that has me completely confused).

So what does Sasha decide to do, in the midst of my utter disgust with Time Warner Cable Customer Service? Unplug everything to "clean up the cords." For. Fuck's. Sake. I realize this wasn't meant to annoy me, and that the cords are quite unsightly, but it was bad, bad timing. When his internet connection stopped working, I further proved my ineptitude by failing to get it back up, resulting in a third call to TWC. Of course, since I've had it up to - here - with them today ("is your computer plugged in, Ms. Taz?") I handed the phone to Sasha, who then looked at me like I had killed his pet rabbit.

Dude, I didn't kill your rabbit... you don't have a rabbit. I simply didn't want to deal with them again today, and for once I didn't cause the computer problem.

Allow me to add: there is a plumber in our bathroom tearing up our floor because the water line is leaking into the downstairs apartment. I didn't cause that, either.

Randomness

2006-08-13T07:18:00.000-04:00

I have two more stories partially finished. It's been fun to write them down -- although I did journal most of the days I was in Europe, it seemed a bit stilted at the time.

Blogging is not coming naturally either, though. In the last half hour, sitting here, I've deleted about ten paragraphs worth of writing. I think I need to do something today that will bring me back to normal life... like, unpack? Having moved right before the trip, everything is still in boxes; because of the time away, I have no idea where anything is. My study is a mess of clean clothes (in laundry baskets, still), boxes of books, and stacks of papers from last-minute grading before the trip. The spare room is filled with boxes.

Unpacking seems like a huge task. I've thought about working on my (single) syllabus, instead, but my brain will not approach that yet. So, my list for the day:

Unpack clothes
Do laundry from trip
Gather books for class (in prep to write syllabus, some other day)
Clean desk
Respond to work-related emails
Take long walk in park
~~Buy new hammer (I seem to have lost all three hammers I owned)~~

About the trip:

One of the places I didn't expect to like as much as I did was Dresden. I don't even know why I chose to put Dresden on the itinerary, except that it's close to the Czech border and we needed a couple nights somewhere before going onward to Prague.

As it turned out, I had one of the most stunning moments of my life there. We got in rather late -- just in time to go for dinner and a few beers. The plan was to eat, walk down to the river, and then head back for an early night; travel days were not easy, even with the little luggage we took.

Dresden was the first place, too, where our language skills became a problem. I speak French badly, but well enough to stumble through almost any situation -- France and Belgium were fine. In Amsterdam and Berlin, nearly everyone spoke English, and all the menus and signs were done in multiple languages. Dresden is by no means small, but it was the first time neither of us spoke the language and little English was spoken. Menus were generally just in German.

(This ended up being the case for most of the last part of our trip. We were purposefully visiting smaller German towns when we had the car, but by that time we'd picked up enough phrases to get by. There were still some unfortunate dinner moments - one involving a cold, gelatinous, cheese-flavored (?) paprika-colored dish - but when you can say "two beers, please," things are generally okay.)

After (a really good!) dinner in Dresden, we went for a walk. Nothing up to that point had been impressive, architecturally -- we were in a rebuilt area of the city. Then, we walked through a tunnel to the riverbank, and...

It's really hard to convey, because even the pictures don't show how amazing this was. Everything along the river was restored, lit, and absolutely lovely. We had come through the tunnel just before full dark - that's the real color of the sky, there - and we were both blown away. I think I said "wow!" (and nothing else) for a half hour straight. Each building was more beautiful than the last, and even the newer ones were done so as to fit in with the older, restored ones.

Remembering that Dresden was essentially destroyed in WW2 was almost impossible. There are reminders - for example, a lot of the stone used in the rebuilding has obvious scorch marks - and the reconstruction is ongoing, but it's amazing what they've done.

Bastille Day.

2006-08-11T09:33:00.000-04:00

I'm supposed to tell stories??

Erk, I suck at stories. Right now I'm having problems dealing with the fact that I'm back in Hell Town, and I feel a bit like the last month didn't happen.

My bank account says otherwise, but still.

Maybe a story is a good idea.

We really hadn't planned to be in Paris on Bastille Day. In fact, I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not, when I realized we'd be there... I was thinking it would be something like Times Square on New Year's Eve.

The morning plan was to head for the Arc de Triomphe, and then over to the Louvre. We set out (on foot, as usual) and quickly ran smack dab into a massive crowd of people. Massive, I tell you, and all walking the opposite direction of where we wanted to go. We dodged, and wove. We got somewhere near the Champs-Élysées and ran into large barriers and lots of police.

Uh, yes, Taz, there's a parade on Bastille Day.

Undaunted (my ass!) we set off for the Louvre. By the time we got there, it was well after noon; as we were in the middle of a heat wave, it was also approaching 100 F. There was a quick pass at Ancient Persian art, followed by lunch.

Lunch was... well, let me show you:
That would be some chicken, some pasta, and a crayfish. Oh, and a lot of beer.

By the way, I did not take pictures of the rest of my meals. I was feeling rather guilty about the whole crayfish thing, which is why he's immortalized on film.

After lunch, back to the Louvre for some Islamic Art.

Then - as happened most days - there was a walk back to the hotel followed by a nap. Now, naps make Sasha less than happy, although he's occasionally forced to take them (especially when he's spent six hours walking in 100-degree weather). But post-nap, we got into a kind of fight over some random, unmemorable thing. Remember, this is only three days into the honeymoon: fighting at this point strikes me as the Worst Thing Ever.

So, we set out for the Eiffel Tower, with a plan of having picnic dinner. Unfortunately, most of the stores are already closed, and "dinner" ends up consisting of crackers (no more baguettes, anywhere, that night), cherries, bananas (which I don't eat) and Laughing Cow cheese. Fortunately, we did find wine as well. Unfortunately, we were still fighting when we got to the plaza.

Suffice it to say that astonishing displays of fireworks can eventually end any argument. These really were amazing, too. Add to that the music, the generally happy crowd of people, the sparkling Eiffel Tower (and the bottle of very good wine) and you get a romantic - if obviously cheesy - evening.

I don't know if that counts as a story?

We're back!

2006-08-10T05:10:00.000-04:00

It's 5am here, and I'm suffering the consequences of jetlag -- it's really 11am to me, internally, and despite a long travel day yesterday, I'm up already.

To summarize, in photos:

Packing List

2006-07-08T09:40:00.000-04:00

What have I forgotten?

camera (batteries + charger)
iPod (ditto)
plug adapter
book for lazy days
2 pairs of shorts
2 pairs of capri-type pants
1 pair of khaki pants
far too many little tops (9)
1 black cotton skirt
1 dressy-dress
1 normal dress
walking boots
Tevas
comfy heels
socks, underwear, swimsuit
light jacket
toiletries

Wait, do I need a long-sleeved shirt? I'm not even sure I have one. Shit. I should probably have that, or a cardigan, or something. Might need to hit Loft (or Target) later today.

Later: Went to Target and got one lightweight black hoodie and one light denim jacket (tan, not blue). Feel better about outerwear now.

Downloaded many, many TV shows onto iPod. Also, audiobooks.

It's 3pm in Paris

2006-07-08T09:01:00.000-04:00

Last night we had an impromptu gathering at the Taz/Sasha homestead. I haven't seen so few people drink so much beer in quite awhile... luckily, everyone was within walking distance. Our landlords showed up about halfway through, toting a 12-pack.

I should say, these are not your typical landlords. We lived next to them for two years, directly before the move to the House From Hell. Although we didn't hang out every weekend or anything, there were a couple dinners and a couple nights o' drinking, and they were great to have as neighbors. We bumped into one of them just as we'd decided to leave HFH, and he told us they'd just bought a rental and were about to fix it up...

Now, if you'd seen this place pre-fix-up, you'd wonder why the hell we trusted them. It was ugly. However, in the two years living next to them, we'd seen them remodel their own place, and they had done a great job. So, we snatched it up, and - thank goodness - all has worked out just fine so far.

They're also cat-sitting for us while we're gone.

I've never rented a place from people I like, before. Hell, I've never really rented a place from people I know, so I hope it all works out.

Don't laugh at me. Or do?

2006-07-06T10:35:00.000-04:00

I am starting to seriously freak out. I woke up this morning with a toothache, which for me is usually the sign of a sinus infection. This wouldn't be surprising - my allergies have been bad the last few weeks - but I can't get to my doctor before I leave, and my only other option is Student Health.

Ack.

Probably, this is nerves. I know that my anxiety isn't "normal," but in this case... well, doesn't everyone freak out a little bit before a huge trip? It's been years since I've done extended traveling, and it's seeming a little overwhelming right now.

I think I need to get out for a walk.

It's official...

2006-07-04T11:33:00.000-04:00

For the first time in three years, I will not be teaching at Small Private College. I had drinks with my chair and explained that I needed to take time off to finish the dissertation -- I kept it quite simple. She was very understanding, and very nice; said she hoped I could finish and be back in Spring (and that my classes would be there, if so).

I still have the single class at Large Private University - ten students, so far - but it will be very, very different for me to not teach full-time. Must come up with writing plan, in the near future.

(to explain)

2006-07-03T16:36:00.000-04:00

This is what it looks like from the balcony door (the door you see in the other photo).

French doors go through to the living room -- we'll need to hang some curtains as well, just to block light; the doors do a pretty good job blocking sound.

Er... the furniture isn't how it'll be, in the end. Usually we don't have a chair semi-facing a wall, but the cats really like it there and there's no immediate need to move it.

On edit: Hey, I just realized that all three cats are in this picture! Winter is in the windowsill, Cory is on the beat-up purple chair (I should do a whole post about that chair, someday), and Little Guy is barely visible on the floor.

new bedroom

2006-07-03T14:01:00.000-04:00

I'm too tired to title this.

2006-07-03T09:49:00.000-04:00

We are moved in, and I am stealing wireless. I will not have to steal it after today if I can get my laptop into the tech. center at my university -- we apparently are within range of their wireless signal.

Note that when I said "moved in," above, I meant that all our stuff is here. In boxes. This morning I tackled the kitchen; it is now possible to access most (if not quite all) of the cupboards.

The space is good, but very different. Although the floor plan is essentially the same as our last place, we have turned what was probably intended to be the living room into our bedroom. So, you enter into the kitchen, which is open to the (former dining room?) living area, and then go through a set of french doors into our bedroom.

I do wonder what the layout was intended to be, because some things don't make sense. For instance, we've set up a small table and chairs right next to the kitchen, in what seems to be a little "eating area" space. Thing is, that space is in what I would guess was the main dining room... and that makes no sense.

Sasha is just back from the "walk through" with the old landlords, and says all is well. How you can have a walkthrough when they hadn't cleaned or painted the place before we moved in is a mystery to me. I suppose I should just be happy we're out of there.

What comes with a move:

2006-06-30T00:07:00.000-04:00

She's not climbing in this, she's resting.

My Sealing Wax.

2006-06-29T21:23:00.000-04:00

I have a lot of socks. I hate socks. I know they are necessary (especially during winter) but I would really like to throw out most of my socks. Sasha got me started buying SmartWool, and I think I will eventually move to very few pairs of those, instead of many pairs of the crap I usually wear.
Instead of throwing out all my socks, I just "packed" them into three plastic bags: black, white, and other. Let's see how long it is before I unpack those bags.
Classes are officially over.
We move at 7am tomorrow.
I had a student come in, tonight, and hand me a "research paper" consisting entirely of quotes. Each separate paragraph was a quote from a source. At the end of the paper, she had written a kind of summary paragraph -- the only thing in eight pages that was her own writing. When I questioned her about this, she informed me that other professors loved the way she did research papers, and that obviously she couldn't be expected to know that I was looking for something other than quotes when I asked for a research paper. Why? Because that's what research papers are: they are quotes from sources.
I am still trying to figure out how that woman is a graduating senior. She may, in fact, not graduate, since this was her senior seminar. I left it up to her to turn in something acceptable.
I must move on and stop replaying that scene in my head.
Several people volunteered to help us move tomorrow. I love them all.
After tonight, I don't think I'll have internet at home until mid-August.
Sasha apparently committed mass spider murder tonight. It involved a plant, an accidentally discovered (and then accidentally opened) eggsac, thousands of tiny spiders, one large mother spider, and a lighter. I found out about this after the fact, when I questioned the presence of a dark blue handtowel in the kitchen garbage.
I bought a new cover for my iPod, and I like it very much.

and finally...

2006-06-27T22:21:00.000-04:00

We watched Brokeback Mountain this weekend. I have to disagree with Buzz, who found it dull... I was quite interested the entire way through.

I was left thinking, though, that the interesting ideas of the film were overlooked (by most of the media, I suppose) for the obvious parts. I mean, duh: it's two men. Yes, yes, it's some kind of not-straight relationship. Thank you, media, for pointing that out. What I found more interesting was what passed for "relationship" under the circumstances of the film... I simply didn't see it as a "star-crossed lovers" type of thing, which is how (I think?) most people saw it.

Honestly? I saw it as one semi-star-crossed lover (Heath Ledger's character) and one... not. It's not like Jake Gyllenhaal's character is trying to recreate the love he felt with "Heath" by picking up the rodeo clown... he's trying to get laid. I have no issue with getting laid (take that anyway you'd like) but the character had little more depth than that, for me.

For that reason, it set up what was - to me - an interesting dynamic. However, it's proving to be more difficult to explain than I thought it would.

Where's the fork?

2006-06-27T10:37:00.000-04:00

I am so done.

I am completely and totally frustrated with how my summer classes have gone, and I'm feeling detached from them, now. Unfortunately, the session is not over -- it ends Thursday. I know that the students are done, too, but I feel like they've been that way from the beginning of the courses.

We're supposed to end one course by discussing a particular film, today and tomorrow. I'd guess that about half of them have watched it, although I made it clear (almost daily) that they needed to rent or buy it. This means I'm going into yet another day where I can't do what I'd like to do - namely, talk about the film - because not all of them have seen it. Yes, I should just talk about it anyway, but they make no pretense of paying attention... which is tiring, and frustrating.

What I am doing, then, is making the day somewhat useful for the students who have seen it and (perhaps) completely useless for those who haven't.

We move on Friday. Ack. The house is nowhere close to packed. I teach my four-hour class both tonight and Thursday night, which leaves very little time/energy. It also means that after Thursday night, I have no reliable internet -- we decided it was silly to hook anything up before the honeymoon.

Update: have finished class #1. Desperately need to grade papers for class #2, but can't seem to get my ass in gear. As usual, the notes I kept on their presentations aren't good... I always mean to grade them right afterwards, but I always put it off. I could possibly get away with just grading eight of them, but it would mean more work tomorrow, instead.

On a lighter note

2006-06-24T13:06:00.000-04:00

Inspired by B*, I made a fruit pizza for a dinner party last night.

Hmmmmm

2006-06-24T10:44:00.000-04:00

For years, I was on Zoloft. When I came off, I went through a period of really bad depression; I had been on the Z for anxiety disorder, not depression, so it took me awhile to recognize what was going on.

Over about six-eight months, it got better (although I had a horrendous summer that year). This morning I was poking around the 'net and found the NIMH list of depression symptoms. Looking at this list, I'm wondering how "better" I really got. I'm trying to compare my current take on things with how I felt, say, seven years ago... but that's difficult. Here's the list:

* Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
* Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
* Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
* Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
* Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
* Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
* Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
* ~~Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain~~
* ~~Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts~~
* Restlessness, irritability
* Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

The two I've crossed off are "qualified" cross-offs. I do think about death quite a lot - not suicide, just dying - but only in anxiety-mode. (Now I have to wonder if anxiety-mode is in response to depression?) I've also gained weight, but that's normal after quitting smoking at my age.

The bold ones are the ones affecting my daily life... as in, I don't get through a day without dealing with them, and a couple days a week they get quite bad.

The others I can't cross off, but I don't feel they're extremely bad.

Is it possible for an SSRI to cause long term depression? I know "they" don't know what SSRI's actually do, except somehow mess with serotonin levels...

There must be a better way...

2006-06-24T10:17:00.000-04:00

I decided that I'm not opening student emails, today. At least, I'm not opening the emails from one particular student who is bitching about her grade. This is the same student who got in my face after her seminar presentation.

Am I allowed to have a weekend? I think so... I don't believe I need to deal with students like this until Monday morning. However, ignoring the email is not as useful as I thought it would be. I know it's there, and that I'll have to read it eventually. I'll probably get pissed off when I read it, and *poof* there goes my Monday morning calmness.

I wish my email program would recognize student emails and put them in a folder. I could probably cover 90% of them with one rule, but I would be constantly adding exceptions...

Crap.

2006-06-23T12:54:00.000-04:00

Measles in Germany.

end of the week

2006-06-22T10:03:00.000-04:00

It's Thursday morning, last day of classes for the week. One week to go...

Midsummer was a good day, though in a totally non-practicing-pagan way. Unless I'm going to consider lighting the BBQ a ritual event (and we could debate that), I did nothing to "celebrate."

Though I did celebrate... or, at least, I thought a lot, which is usually what Midsummer means, for me.

When I got home yesterday, I sat down and wrestled with financial aid matters for a bit. Sasha and I are both officially past the time we should have graduated, so we cannot take out any student loans... or so I thought! After contacting the department and begging my advisor for a letter stating that I am, in fact, working on the dissertation, it appears I can take out a loan next semester. This is good: it means I can take a semester (er, or two?) off, not live on Top Ramen, and still attend conferences.

I then got one of those "offers you can't refuse," out of the blue. The new chair of my Ph.D. program asked me to teach a seminar in Fall. It's one class, I taught it last Fall, and it would mean no prep and very little grading. It also pays almost three times what typical adjunct courses pay around here (because of where it is, and because of who funds it.) If this goes through, it looks like I'll teach one seminar -- that, instead of two lecture courses.

While part of me would rather just take the semester off, this is a pretty good compromise between finances and time. I've been waking up most every night worrying about the honeymoon and how much we'll spend.

a good thing

2006-06-20T23:04:00.000-04:00

(To atone for calling some of my students "stupid," earlier.)

SurvivorMan. This guy reminds me of an old friend, a guy I met at a keg party at UW. I was just 17, and I ended up at a party I shouldn't have been at (read: Greek). I drank. I drank more. I ended up talking to some Very Random Guy ("Gator"), and telling him I liked his (handmade, beaded) necklace. He immediately took it off, handed it to me, and told me that I could keep it until someone else told me they liked it...

We exchanged phone numbers, even though we lived quite far (6 hours?) from each other. We did not sleep together - I was still a virgin, anyway - but we kept this phone friendship going for years. About six (?) years later, he visited me down in California; I've not seen him since then but we *still* email. I've now known him for 17 years... he's a damn cool guy, and I look forward to our next meeting, whenever it might be. He lives on a mountain, and takes great pictures, and has published a book.

Why do I like the actual show (SurvivorMan, that is)? Aside from reminding me of Gator, Les Stroud makes me giggle. I don't giggle that often, unless I'm drunk.

I don't believe this...

2006-06-20T16:44:00.000-04:00

Two separate incidents today, at two different schools, have me ready to scream.

This afternoon I handed back midterm exams in one class; several of the students had (apparently?) not bothered reading the exam question carefully, and they did poorly on the exam as a result. One student said: "you should have told us to read the question carefully." Hello? Aside from the fact that I explained in class that the second question was more difficult (in some ways) than the first, I really don't think a professor should have to tell a student to read the exam question.
Just now, I got an email from one student, turning in her seminar assignment. She happens to be one of two groups - four students total - who chose to share an article rather than have their own separate articles. (Two articles were much longer and more difficult than the others.) The requirement for seminar is a six-page paper on the article... she just turned in one six-page paper "for both of them." Both students. Now, knowing that every student for the last three weeks has turned in a six-page paper, what in the world would make them think that one six-page paper would fulfill the assignment for both of them? Somehow, they just got lucky and only needed to do half the work?

These are all seniors, FFS. I know it's summer session, and I know they're trying to do as little work as possible... but seriously, they can't be this stupid.

The Dissertation: For Buzz

2006-06-19T13:54:00.000-04:00

See? Just for you.

It's coming up on two years since I defended my prospectus. My topic was cutting edge, five years ago (okay, maybe not cutting edge, but cool); two years ago it was still sharp; I don't know what it is, today.

My prospectus ended up at a fairly weighty 40 pages. In my department, that's big... 20 is the norm, although some have come in at 10 pages. All told I have about 70 pages of the dissertation written, but not in any kind of sensible form.

I am taking next semester off - completely - to devote myself to the crafting of Heat Seeking Kitten: The Dissertation (the name I've given this project). HSK, as a project, has been very useful. It was one of my PhD exams - we have to write a lengthy paper as one of our exams - and I (gasp) published that in a real, live, book. (Note: I still don't have a copy of the book... they never sent me one. I think that since I got no money from the publication of the book, I should at least have been presented with a free copy, yes?)

HSK is both my love and my nightmare, as I'm sure most dissertations are. I think I was done with it, mentally, two years ago... now I just need to write down what I figured out, and possibly include why I find it no longer interesting.

Then again, I no longer find it interesting because HSK has turned me into an antisocial bitch. Were I more social, HSK would still be interesting to me. As it is, I want nothing to do with any of those people.

I have managed to further distance myself from any kind of "ethnography," while staying within the bounds of my proposal and keeping my advisors happy (I think). Taz is all about theory; Taz cannot "talk" to people, no matter how removed the "talking" may be from Real Life.

So: there you have it. I have a goal of one chapter per month, after we're back from the honeymoon. To accomplish this, I may have to live off my husband, my brother, and/or my parents (in that order). By November - by early November, at that - I intend to have a rough draft of the entire Kitten, so that I can whore myself out to colleges and universities everywhere.

...in which there is a photo.

2006-06-19T10:20:00.000-04:00

I am no-energy woman. We drove to Ohio on Friday to see Sasha's family. When we got home yesterday, it was 95 degrees. Even though this morning is cooler, it's *more* humid, and I feel drained. I need to go teach, and I can only hope my energy decides to kick in when I'm in the classroom.

If not, I have a video.

Seriously, over the last hour I've been staring at the wall for five minutes at a time. I type a sentence here, I stare at the wall. I take a sip of coffee, I stare at the wall. At least the wall is a nice, soothing color... it may well be the nicest color I've ever picked for my study, in fact. I finally figured out that to get a "green" wall that doesn't look like someone puked mojitos, you really need just yellow and brown in the mix of the paint -- no blue whatsoever. Fascinating, that.

This is my current study, in semi-clean state:
That's the green, and I tell you: no blue is the key.

Must go. My class awaits... I'm guessing they may also be energy-deprived.

Anxiety rant

2006-06-15T22:02:00.000-04:00

Around about 2pm today I started having stomach pain. Not even pain, really, just a vague and very general uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. It comes and goes.

I am freaking out. This is not something I've ever felt before, and I don't know how to react to it. I realize lots of people get stomach pain, that there are oodles of causes for it, and that I should calm down... I just can't. Until now I've been working, and able to distract myself. I even made the very rational decision that I can go to the doctor tomorrow if it's still there.

Rational thought is pretty close to leaving the building, right now. Nothing hurts to the touch, nothing has gotten worse in the last 8 hours... why can't I just be fucking sane about this???

(Oh, apparently I need to say more... still freaking out.)

My therapist from long ago would want me to explain what I'm actually freaking out over, and then discuss actual possibilities. That would go something like this:

In my heightened anxiety state, this stomach pain is either an inflamed appendix or something much, much worse. Much, much worse is really the issue... I'm terrified that something is about to break or burst or whatever stomach things do, and I'll die instantly. (I'm not exaggerating... that really is my current fear.)

In reality, even if something was horribly wrong, there would be warning enough to get me to the ER (5 minutes from here). As I said above, it hasn't gotten worse over the last 8 hours, and that suggests that it's not immediately deadly.

Okay, pausing for a bit.

When students attack...

2006-06-15T08:39:00.000-04:00

My seminar students have to take turns leading seminar discussion. This is the only way I've figured out, yet, to have any of them read anything... generally they seem to expect me to stand in front of the class every day and explain the articles. I've told them that yes, I'm there to fill in blanks, answer questions, etc., but that they should feel very "comfortable" with the article before they come to class. (They also have a short research paper due about their article, a couple days before the class. "Research" is not, near as I can tell, a method of work these students are familiar with.)

Tuesday night was our first student-led discussion, and it didn't go well. The student would make an incorrect point, several hands would shoot up (no, they haven't figured out "seminar" yet) and I would gently correct the error - - "no, actually, the article says that a chicken is a bird, not a reptile." Heads nodded, hands went down, and all was right with the world. Until the next sentence, that is.

After 3 hours of class (luckily, only 45 minutes of the above), we were all done. Except for this student, of course. She walked up to me, stood probably an inch from my face, and said "I don't appreciate you correcting me in front of the class."

Huh?

I had to repeat it back to her in question form, because I really was the most bizarre thing a student has said, in this context. Most of them are happy as hell when I start talking, because it takes the pressure off them (and I do make sure to be as polite as possible: it's never "you're completely wrong," but rather "I think the author actually says...."); also, because it's a discussion-based class, it's not as though I'm interrupting a presentation.

So my brain comes up with, "I'm sorry, did you just say you didn't appreciate me correcting you?" Yes, yes, it would have been much better if I had kept quiet. I try explaining for the 20th time that this is a seminar, and that it's important that the other students understand the article and have their questions answered... correctly. Rather than saying something that might make sense, the student then comes out with "but I didn't want to present on the article, so I presented on this other book, and that's why they didn't understand."

Pause. Reflect.

I'm not sure how much clearer I can be about this assignment, folks. The people who don't understand it seem doomed, no matter how much I discuss it with them, and no matter how many handouts there are. I would estimate that 3/4 of them do understand it, which means that most of the class looks ready to pass out whenever I say "I'd like to clarify this assignment again." I know for a fact that this particular student didn't read the first handout (which she had a hard copy of, and which was also online) because she said in class the week before that she hadn't...

At this point, I'm walking out of the classroom. It's 10pm, I'm not interested in having circular conversations about what should have been, and I want the dinner that's waiting for me at home. The student is trailing along, now pestering me to tell her what her grade is for the presentation, and loudly saying "I always get A's in my (insert Taz's field) classes."

Good gosh, people. Tonight had better not be a repeat of this, or I will walk out of my own classroom.

Humans are dumb

2006-06-14T23:47:00.000-04:00

Little Guy (the younger Siamese) and I were having our usual evening conversation in the kitchen. Usually this is dominated by Little Guy howling for treats - as only a Siamese really can - and followed by me saying, "you had your treats. You had your treats."

Tonight, Little Guy was staring at the corner of the cupboards. Since I am, in fact, a human, this resulted in me staring at the same corner, while yelling "Little Guy is staring at the cupboard for no reason" to Sasha (who was involved in a video golf game).

Little Guy is not the brightest of cats. If he is staring at something, that usually means that he saw something in the other room, five days ago, and it's just now impinging on his consciousness. There is, however, always the possibility of a bug or (horrors) a spider... so I was paying attention, just in case.

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see something moving on the counter, near the spice rack. I think, "ah-ha! There was in fact a bug on the floor and it's climbed away from the cat!" Then the size of the creature registers in my not-so-bright consciousness, and I realize it's a rather large mouse, staring back at me.

"OH MY GOD! THERE'S A MOUSE!"

Now, realize, I'm not afraid of mice... this was rather a cry of pure astonishment that our Little Guy, our arguably developmentally challenged cat, actually saw something real, and paid attention to it.

The mouse, of course, ran away. Sasha came out and we cleaned up the dinner dishes (after finding a box with which to trap the mouse, and then realizing that mice are both fast and skinny, and can escape). Tomorrow I guess it's back to no-kill traps and peanut butter.

All hail Little Guy, the smartest of the creatures in this house... minus the mouse, probably.

What a surprise...

2006-06-14T12:44:00.000-04:00

Somehow, I missed this one. And I'll admit, I've been reading blog archives this afternoon, because I got curious about backstory on a some events in a particular blogger's life.

Note: the results of this quiz did not surprise me.

You Are Guinness

You know beer well, and you'll only drink the best beers in the world.
Watered down beers disgust you, as do the people who drink them.
When you drink, you tend to become a bit of a know it all - especially about subjects you don't know well.
But your friends tolerate your drunken ways, because you introduce them to the best beers around.

What's Your Beer Personality?